Skittles
I don't know why but i just feel so mellowed now. And not in a good way.
My dad's having liver cancer and i don't even know what stage it's at because my mom refuse to tell me, so i assumed it to be the worst. Then during a dinner with a family friend and her son (which i had an unknown animosity against), i just lost my appetite even though there was some of my favorite food on the table. They just didn't appear all that appetising to me.
That could be explain with a very simple answer; because i downed a whole pack of Skittle before the dinner, but somehow that envolved into something more ominous than i imagined it to be. My mom jokingly asked why i wasn't eating as i much as i was supposed to, "Is it because you dieting?" and i just glared at her. That usually sound funny but i have no idea why i became so pissed off.
Was it the Friend's son? Was it the Skittles or was it just me? I don't know for sure. As i'm typing this, my thoughts are just whirling like a pile of clothes in a wasing machine. I was so pissed off i said my goodbyes curtly and went off, leaving a stench of awkwardness at the table. Everyone knows i'm not on good terms with my dad, he dips his spoon in the dish when there's a spoon for him to use. I feel like saying 'Geez, not everyone wants Liver cancer or whatever it is that you're having, around the table you know' but i bit my toungue and continue to sulk/eat.
Maybe it's because they're acting so happily on the outside when they should be, i dunno, sulking like me. You don't joke and laugh when someone has cancer! Especially not the person who has it. OR maybe it's because i'm pissed with myself for trying to avoid the reality of my mom struggling to keep the family afloat when my dad goes out of comission, which he eventually will, while i just playing computer games to distract myself from the ugly and harsh facts of life, submerged in my own little sanctuary. As the bills piles up and my family ain't rich, i really should be out there having a job but i just don't want to face it.
I really want to face the reality but i'm afraid. So afraid that i can't stand the truth yet i'm deploring myself for this cowardice. Now i know why mental patients chose to be insane. it's so much more better in your own little world away from anything that's bad.
Your last sanctuary.
My dad's having liver cancer and i don't even know what stage it's at because my mom refuse to tell me, so i assumed it to be the worst. Then during a dinner with a family friend and her son (which i had an unknown animosity against), i just lost my appetite even though there was some of my favorite food on the table. They just didn't appear all that appetising to me.
That could be explain with a very simple answer; because i downed a whole pack of Skittle before the dinner, but somehow that envolved into something more ominous than i imagined it to be. My mom jokingly asked why i wasn't eating as i much as i was supposed to, "Is it because you dieting?" and i just glared at her. That usually sound funny but i have no idea why i became so pissed off.
Was it the Friend's son? Was it the Skittles or was it just me? I don't know for sure. As i'm typing this, my thoughts are just whirling like a pile of clothes in a wasing machine. I was so pissed off i said my goodbyes curtly and went off, leaving a stench of awkwardness at the table. Everyone knows i'm not on good terms with my dad, he dips his spoon in the dish when there's a spoon for him to use. I feel like saying 'Geez, not everyone wants Liver cancer or whatever it is that you're having, around the table you know' but i bit my toungue and continue to sulk/eat.
Maybe it's because they're acting so happily on the outside when they should be, i dunno, sulking like me. You don't joke and laugh when someone has cancer! Especially not the person who has it. OR maybe it's because i'm pissed with myself for trying to avoid the reality of my mom struggling to keep the family afloat when my dad goes out of comission, which he eventually will, while i just playing computer games to distract myself from the ugly and harsh facts of life, submerged in my own little sanctuary. As the bills piles up and my family ain't rich, i really should be out there having a job but i just don't want to face it.
I really want to face the reality but i'm afraid. So afraid that i can't stand the truth yet i'm deploring myself for this cowardice. Now i know why mental patients chose to be insane. it's so much more better in your own little world away from anything that's bad.
Your last sanctuary.
Labels: Musings
Ranted by Squido at 7:14 PM
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